wait. wait. wait.

31 days. I am so giddy I can hardly sit still. there’s a regular flurry of text messages from the other side of the world of people wondering when the hell I get back and where the hell I am. I am planning rafting trips, buying skis, getting gear in order. making promises to myself that next year I will leave well before christmas.

november is the hardest month to make it through in Finland. in fact, I somewhat respect the people who do without binge drinking or offing themselves. you have to seriously focus on reminding yourself that you will make it through, it won’t always be like this. and the crushing darkness and helplessness you feel, will soon pass. it’s been 17 years since the last time I got to experience the finnish fall in it’s full glory. it’s something else to behold and no wonder the finns are to damn tough. you have to be. you have to endure.

in comparison, life in the us is child’s play. it’s so easy and such a joy everyday. it’s ridiculous how easy it is. lesser thing would make you a dough-boy.

I opened a clothing store. gave me something new to focus on to get through november. many people comment about my family’s energy to keep things moving and always being up to something. I say nothing, as I merely regard our action as a survival mechanism. never stop growing, never stop exploring. I’d rather die trying.

I am proud of my results. people compliment the store a lot. people walk in because they tell me it’s inviting. I am stoked for what we have accomplished in such a short amount of time. now that it’s up and running I have a moment to myself. is it time to ski yet?

in the mean while I watch all my friends post photos of their rafting trips, skiing trips, speed flying, rock climbing, mountain climbing, ice climbing, mountain biking. I miss home like crazy. it’s good to be busy enough I don’t have time to brood over all the fun everyone else is having. though I work hard, I still kinda feel like I don’t really work. what I get paid to do, feels more like a fun hobby.

someone recently asked me what my thoughts were about dying in the mountains. if I thought putting myself in risk of dying was worth the action. it’s occurred to me that I am not really afraid of dying. I mean I am, and I get scared like everyone else does. in fact, I get really scared. but I also often think that if that’s how I die, I am ok with it. I’d rather die in the mountains that in a car accident. or some other freak way to go. with as many people as have died recently in the mountains, those death becoming publicized in media, facing criticism from people whom don’t understand the drive, I find myself thinking I am actually happy for them. saddened that they went, yes, but still glad that was the way.

I don’t have a death wish of any kind. I drink life. but I have been engorging from that trough for long enough that I can truly say I am fulfilled. there are a million things I look forward to in life and want to grow old. I truly enjoy life, in it’s basic meager form. all it’s sufferings and moments of happiness, I am grateful for the amazing experience that it is. if I go, I’ll go with a smile on my face. everyone dies sometime.

bless this life. I’ll be in my church soon enough.