I am boarding a plane to Finland tomorrow and I got to thinking. for a few weeks since I’ve known I’m going I have been relatively numb to the idea. haven’t really put a lot of thought into it. it seems I’ve done it so much through out the years that I’ve grown slightly dull to the excitement.

today I realized I’ve been relatively alone for a few months now. and that kinda equates to lonely. I am not complaining, it is exactly what I wanted, but in doing so I killed something in me. I haven’t really been able to figure out what and I have to be honest that for the first time in a while i have been feeling a bit depressed. somehow not able to get excited about much. I do a bit here and there, but I haven’t come across that utter bliss, high and love that has accompanied my life for the past year (right there, parallel with the pain and heartache).

should it be concluded that I have been hiding my pain under the blanket of screaming thrills, love and passion, and now that the pain is gone, it might seem there’s a shell left over that feels nothing. I go through these kinds of cycles in life periodically and I know this too shall pass. but it’s just that I feel like it’s been nagging at me a bit longer that I would like. I think it’s been prevalent since new years. …ok. so that would only be a month. that’s normal, right? and I’ll snap out of it soon and feel thrilled to be alive again..?

but the loneliness is starting to get to me now. I think I need to make more friends and be more proactive about getting out. it’ll happen. sometimes I wonder what the hell did I move out here for… but I think that’s a natural struggle anytime you uproot your whole life and change direction. change is good.

in the mean time though, returning to Finland, I realized how amazing it will be, once again surrounded by the people I love and who have known me for years. there’s something very grounding that happens when you get to spend time with your family and return to your roots. it always realigns me in a way, reminds me who I am and who I want to be. brings me back to center and helps me see.

for fucks sake. what’s it gonna take? when can I stop screaming into the void and feel whole again. I’m tired of being broken. I have finally let him go, but what’s left now is me all alone with the damage done. I can let go, but I cannot make myself whole again. I can’t forget how I’ve been wrecked. instead, I scream for summits. that’s all I want. I don’t care about much else. I would and I could if I had the opportunity to care about something else. but I don’t.

I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve fiqured out how to let go and move on. but all that’s left is my empty shell and no direction on how to make it whole (or atleast functional) again. hm.