over this last week I have been struck by reality. I am doing ok with it. I didn’t fall apart, nor will I. Instead, I got my power back.

I have been pissed. I will be for a while. thou, it’s nice to notice it didn’t break my heart. and I find it easy to move forward. I have been stuck all summer, or a couple years, maybe, but I have been now shoved forward, been forced to make a decision. regardless of if I wanted to make one or not. it was kind of made for me.

Instead of continuing to asking him questions that I never got answers to. I turned to my own sources. my friends and my wonderful therapist friend. it’s incredible the power he has to sort my thoughts out right. and after I have spent some time thinking about it, the answers are right in front of me. have been all this time, loud and clear.

which brings me to this. I realize lying isn’t part of how I was built. sure, white lies happen here and there and some things simply don’t need to be shared. I think I always believe in the good heart of people and I am utterly shocked when ever I find otherwise. that’s what kept me hanging on for so long, trying my darnest to believe.. to understand.. I am not sure.

I don’t get how he can live with himself. how can he sleep at night knowing he is lying. it almost makes me feel sick to my stomach when I see pictures of him and I wonder how that person could turn out to be a liar. it’s hard to believe, at all. also.. I don’t think he is living with himself very well. I do believe it is eating him up inside and he doesn’t know how to talk about it. to himself or to me or anyone else for that matter. mostly to himself.

I am a good goddamn person. he is rotten. that’s probably what makes me the saddest. I am disappointed that he turned out to be dishonest.

it’s damn good to realize that. this past couple weeks I have been spending time with lots of people that I love. people whom inspire me, I have intelligent conversations with, party with, ski hard with and most importantly, people who love me. people who stand by me.

write like the wind. do the work he said. I am in the bottom of this now and there’s no going back. Eric is the best sort of friend that I cold have ever asked for. he offers clear sight and wisdom. he sees me for who I really am. as I have been wondering on my ‘why?’ I have been returning to the same idea. what I seem to offer to the world around me is energy. he told me that even when I am down I bring energy. he also reminded me that he has seen me happy and I am rather happy being single. he also told me that I am a very powerful person and what I did with Andrew is that I handed all my power over.

I am allowed to be angry. anger helps me move through this. up until now I keep returning to all the good stuff. and returning to what I am missing now.

when I first met Andrew he created an incredibly safe space for us. for me to let my guard down and fall madly in love with him. he made me feel loved in a way no one ever has. he loved my body and stared at e often. I don’t for a second think that any of that wasn’t real. and that’s the drug. the addiction.

I have always, to my naive bitter end, believed in the goodness of people. I keep believing in people. I always remain optimistic because I don’t understand how someone could treat another person poorly. how someone could lie so much. I realize now he is used to lying. he has been lying for years. he is a snake. I think what has kept me hanging on because I have a hard time wrapping my thoughts around someone lying to me so much about everything. I have been incredibly hurt that he could lie to me, or set a trap to make me fall in love, completely use me and when the ski season ends in so many ways he has made it apparent that he goes back to his wife and kids. he will never leave her, she has him by the balls. she owns him.

I don’t doubt that he cared about me, but being a remarkably selfish person, who only does what benefits him. he completely used me. what a cocksucker.

Eric reminded me that I am a pretty level headed person. I know I am. I have my moments of crazy, we all do. but I realize his lying and treating me shitty, has led to me second guessing what I have really known all along and what has been in front of me. always second guessing. feeling slightly crazy when I have been second guessing my inner voice, and instead listened to someone feeding lies to me. little chinks in my armor week after week. mentally abusive.

I have thought about him. he is not a good person. I can’t imagine this sort of double life and lying has made him feel very good inside. or maybe he doesn’t even think about it. it’s just something he does to meet his own needs and it has become such a habit he doesn’t mind anymore. let us call him for what an asshole he really is.

dakota opened. I have to run.