I get back to summer. shit’s all green. the rivers are pumping. got to ennis late, made the drive in one shot. the next morning drove around the range for a lack of a gate code. it was good to come back to the boat yard, it’s kinda like we never left. first thing we did that morning was swim across the gallatin river and swim back. then swam some rapids and lapped house rock. even a lousy day on the river is still an amazing day on the river. the next day Amy and I were handed the task of R2ing the whole stretch of the river. somehow with so many rookies on board, we are treated as returning guides. I feel like such a beginner, Ive never ran this high of water, let alone R2’d house rock at 4200 cfs with a 90 pound girl as my teammate.

god I love being back in Ennis. after three days of swimming in the gallatin I took a day off to kayak the madison river through the channels and giving my first go at learning how to cast. this town is amazing, this valley is amazing. so much fun surfing through the narrow channels down to Channels Ranch. met some friends on shore, sunshine cocktails and a ride back to the ranch in the back of a pick up truck with kids and dogs and everyone else. bare feet in the grass. being free.

It’s kinda cool to come back and seeing people wear my tshirts! and Joe wants more work

for change, I am not anxious to go anywhere. I want to stay here. I want to spend my summer in Ennis and in these near by valleys and ranges. I want to lap the local rivers and I want to spend time with my friends. I love this community and I love being a part of it.

and as soon as I get done saying that, I am packing my boat into my truck, heading for the ystone at 24 000 cfs and then onto the beartooths for some spring skiing. might be back in a week. or two days, who knows.

I’m saying it again. tomorrow I leave. I am excited to go. this time around I am not at all sad to leave. I am anxious to get back to the land of the free, the home of the brave. excited to have my moose in my truck, excited to be free to roam. I am insanely homesick for montana, for freedom of the hills and the open road, really. it’s incredibly easy to leave when I know the summer that’s a head and the life of a vagabond. and I also know I will be back here so shortly. I am sick and tired of all these rules. I want to break them all just out of spite. I need to leave to breathe.

let’s face it. no matter how I try look at it, life in finland is kinda lame. it has it’s highlights. but rad is not a lifestyle here. it’s a rare occasion and I try to always make the best of it and enjoy those moments. but in montana, awesome is everyday. not to put down finland too much, but finland simply lacks the terrain to be awesome.

I did a through hike the other day. something like 12 miler took me 4 hours. the trail was rocky and hard to get moving on and I generally seem to hike faster in the US even though I might be climbing up. the thought that occurred to me the most about that hike was that it was kinda pointless. I mean it’s cool if you wanna take a 12 mile walk in a thick forest, yea, but it’s like the seriously long part of the hike before you emerge to an alpine lake or get a view of the peaks. but this one, you never really merge out of the forest until the trail end at a town. just swamps and forest, few little lakes. forest, forest, forest. thick damn forest too. nothing to see here but miles and miles of, well, trees.

my life is way cooler than your vacation.

The best thing a therapist ever told me is that sometimes confrontation and resolution with an abuser is not the best solution. Sometimes there’s no pride in honesty. Sometimes it’s just messy.

I closed the door, found away to move on and come to terms with who my father was/is. I am free! Despite facing endless pressure from my family to reconcile with him I held my ground. Until few years ago they finally gave up when I showed no signs of doing so and I was finally able to share with my sister the reasons for my absence. They had not experienced what I had, and couldn’t understand why I ended my relationship to my father. The best thing for me to do at the time, was NOT to open up about the abuse to my sister and brother when we were younger (until couple years ago). I had understood –distinctively– that coming out to them and the rest of my extended family was going to hurt me more, bring shame, rather than bring any closure.especially as by the time I was dealing with this, I was already living in the US and had the option to end the relationship.

I didn’t need or want revenge, I simply wanted to be excused from the anxiety of the events of my childhood.

Since then, 20 years later, my family has shown respect for me in letting me choose for myself and stopped pressuring me for reconciliation, finally understanding that a relationship with him would cause more anxiety, stress and harm, than considering him dead to me. It’s OK to let go of people who hurt you. This applies to parents as much as abusive friends or spouses. We don’t need to try to get along with everyone. Life is too short for that and today, as adults, we have the luxury of choosing.

I found a way to move on, I found a way to find peace. and that should be more important and since I made this choice, I have never, not once, felt any kind of quilt or doubt over ending my relationship with my father. and since I have this peace, the mere thought of rekindling some kind of a relationship with him sounds incredibly uncomfortable, distasteful and painful. I see absolutely no reason to do so.

what do we owe?