dear god.

I feel like an insane person again.

I think it takes  significant amount of will power and some form of perseverance that allows me to manage my life the way it is. I would like to think that most people might buckle under the weight of handling the logistics of my life. I am leaving again tomorrow. but for a short while. I am leaving finland with flipflops and not much more than my trailer keys and couple pairs of jeans.

I am leaving my computer behind. I am signing off for 4 weeks to be at the bottom of the big ditch.

I am finally excited about it. alex and all were raving about it about a month ago, I finally got excited two days ago when I realized what I was about to go do.

my life in insanity.

I am insanely busy at work. I have now accepted some large portion of our company to share with my sister. signed the papers a couple weeks ago.

I am good at what I do. I love the job I do, the work I have and I like the fact that it’s endless. someday, it will be under control, but I have mountains to climb until we get there. feels good. it’s always hard to leave, I have so much to do. I like seeing that I am good at it. I’m sorta like the visual image and customer experience coordinator. been wondering about my job description for a while now. I have managed to stay behind the scenes all this time and not have a business card or an identity in the company and I kinda like to stay that way. and people are often very surprised when the staff points at me as an answer to “who runs this place?”

f.

I got a hold of my life again sometime ago. it’s something you don’t realize has happened until you’re there. when I broke up with James and moved out of our house I know one of the things that contributed to my depression was a lack of having a place I felt I belonged to. even though now I only have a little 5 acre swath of land, it still makes me feel incredibly good. better than I ever thought it could possibly make me feel. what got me even more depressed in Bozeman was looking around me and realizing I’d probably never afford to live there. or more precisely, would never want to work that much to be able to afford to live there.

so depressing.

but I am now glad I don’t live there. I don’t much care for Bozeman. at all. I resent it a little even.

I was hesitant to move to Ennis at first. I thought I’d give it a try and see how I do. to my surprise, I found contentment, safety, peace, love, liberty and happiness amongst those cottonwoods, creeks, mountains and rivers. all that and then some. I found home. I want to live in Madison valley for the rest of my life in some form or another.

I feel like my life is again what I want it to be. or maybe spending a few years taking a hard look at myself and where I am at, eventually brought me to exactly where I need to be. where I belong. it isn’t so much a physical location as it is a state of mind. my heart is right. my mind is right.

this winter. starting January when I returned to the madison valley, it all started happened by feeling good, being re-inspired by the peaks around us. I just got tired of not givin’er hell. but without really changing anything. just feeling good. feeling whole.

here’s another thing I know. I love Mark. fuck. him, or someone like him. just how much, I didn’t realize until I spent time away from him. to see him and all of it for what it really is.

last week I signed my life away. I accepted large portion of ownership of the hotel. splitting with my sister. here goes.