The best thing a therapist ever told me is that sometimes confrontation and resolution with an abuser is not the best solution. Sometimes there’s no pride in honesty. Sometimes it’s just messy.
I closed the door, found away to move on and come to terms with who my father was/is. I am free! Despite facing endless pressure from my family to reconcile with him I held my ground. Until few years ago they finally gave up when I showed no signs of doing so and I was finally able to share with my sister the reasons for my absence. They had not experienced what I had, and couldn’t understand why I ended my relationship to my father. The best thing for me to do at the time, was NOT to open up about the abuse to my sister and brother when we were younger (until couple years ago). I had understood –distinctively– that coming out to them and the rest of my extended family was going to hurt me more, bring shame, rather than bring any closure.especially as by the time I was dealing with this, I was already living in the US and had the option to end the relationship.
I didn’t need or want revenge, I simply wanted to be excused from the anxiety of the events of my childhood.
Since then, 20 years later, my family has shown respect for me in letting me choose for myself and stopped pressuring me for reconciliation, finally understanding that a relationship with him would cause more anxiety, stress and harm, than considering him dead to me. It’s OK to let go of people who hurt you. This applies to parents as much as abusive friends or spouses. We don’t need to try to get along with everyone. Life is too short for that and today, as adults, we have the luxury of choosing.
I found a way to move on, I found a way to find peace. and that should be more important and since I made this choice, I have never, not once, felt any kind of quilt or doubt over ending my relationship with my father. and since I have this peace, the mere thought of rekindling some kind of a relationship with him sounds incredibly uncomfortable, distasteful and painful. I see absolutely no reason to do so.
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