over this last week I have been struck by reality. I am doing ok with it. I didn’t fall apart, nor will I. Instead, I got my power back.

I have been pissed. I will be for a while. thou, it’s nice to notice it didn’t break my heart. and I find it easy to move forward. I have been stuck all summer, or a couple years, maybe, but I have been now shoved forward, been forced to make a decision. regardless of if I wanted to make one or not. it was kind of made for me.

Instead of continuing to asking him questions that I never got answers to. I turned to my own sources. my friends and my wonderful therapist friend. it’s incredible the power he has to sort my thoughts out right. and after I have spent some time thinking about it, the answers are right in front of me. have been all this time, loud and clear.

which brings me to this. I realize lying isn’t part of how I was built. sure, white lies happen here and there and some things simply don’t need to be shared. I think I always believe in the good heart of people and I am utterly shocked when ever I find otherwise. that’s what kept me hanging on for so long, trying my darnest to believe.. to understand.. I am not sure.

I don’t get how he can live with himself. how can he sleep at night knowing he is lying. it almost makes me feel sick to my stomach when I see pictures of him and I wonder how that person could turn out to be a liar. it’s hard to believe, at all. also.. I don’t think he is living with himself very well. I do believe it is eating him up inside and he doesn’t know how to talk about it. to himself or to me or anyone else for that matter. mostly to himself.

I am a good goddamn person. he is rotten. that’s probably what makes me the saddest. I am disappointed that he turned out to be dishonest.

it’s damn good to realize that. this past couple weeks I have been spending time with lots of people that I love. people whom inspire me, I have intelligent conversations with, party with, ski hard with and most importantly, people who love me. people who stand by me.