I just got back from a ride up brackett creek to grassy. ok, I admit it, it’s nice to be on a bike again. my shoulder worries me a little, but it seemed to hold together ok. it’s still a tad loose, so I know if I even yank on it, I’ll be right back to where I started.that slows me down on the downhill a bit.

I really love summers here in montana. I do love winters too, but I have always thought there’s something so… easy? …about montana summers. flip flops and skirts, dirt between my toes. no hurry anywhere. and most importantly: cool nights.

James has been gone like about a week now. only. and though I stop to miss him often, and think about him all the time, it gets easier. I do miss him like crazy, more than anything I miss being able to do stuff with him. but I must admit, I am really enjoying being alone and having the house all to myself for a while. I feel like I am on vacation in a way, I have always loved the times in my life when I have been single, and I have always kinda really wanted more of that. more of being free and able to do stuff with out my damn boyfriend. not that there’s anything wrong with doing a lot with James cause he’s just so awesome, but still. as much as I feel like I have always given way too much to ever relationship, I also realize that I think often it has been expected of me, like men can’t take care of themselves and they need my constant pampering. James doesn’t tho.

I love being on my own program for a while. do my own stuff, own friends, own music, own adventures and taking care of my own psyche. I have never really been good at being in relationships, I think they have always sucked me dry in some way. I used to have guys always tell me I make them better… long time ago, I learned to avoid that, because it’s not my fucking job to make anyone better. it’s ok to be with me if that makes them want to be better, but placing that kind of weight on me is utter bullshit. like they are sucking the life out of me like leeches. I don’t expect James to make me happy, or do much for me really.. other than just be there for me. be my friend and partner. I have long understood the fact that I need to look to myself for balance and happiness, and I understand if I am being a bitch, I probably need to take a step back and take some time to myself.

being with James is easy. and I think that makes me able to enjoy this as much as I do. having him there, makes this easier. but I know, on my own I am easy.

I am in love with life. a little high on summer perhaps. it’s beautiful. I love the friends I have in my life. thank you for being there.