well then. i just made a note of the fact that i haven’t allowed myself to feel for someone in a while. i have been horrified to allow myself to actually fall for someone, or even like someone, in the sheer fear of being hurt again. without really being aware of it. i’ve known that the impact of events past changed my life for good but periodically i’m slightly stunned by just how much has really changed and how something like that can really devastate a person who is seemingly so strong and stubborn to the outside world. maybe that strength just pissed him off more so he did the things he did, just to try to break my spirit. well he did a pretty thorough job, but maybe i did need the learning lesson? but like always it just pissed me off and i refused to settle down and take it. refused to be a victim of his abuse. regardless, life is better, i am better, my relationships are better and i am finding even more joy that i already knew was possible. hmm, how much happier can a person keep on getting?

does that mean i’m manic? from misery straight to the top again? or does it just mean that i am capable of kicking my own ass back up and force myself to deal with it, how ever it may be. or does it mean that i actually just shut myself off emotionally, because it was easier (or better?) for my emotional health?

i felt this funny feeling that i haven’t felt in a long time, found myself horrified and trying to think of things to do to stop it quick. suddenly i remembered the roller coaster of feelings that immediately reminded me of the pain when someone is shamelessly ripping you apart. somehow now, having that funny feeling in my chest is directly linked to the pain. something that should normally make you happy and excited now keeps me awake at night. scared. my first reaction is to end it quick, cut the ties, stop hoping for anything, stop hoping that i could care for someone or someone would want to love me just for how i am . that simply i was even capable of allowing myself to fall in love again. in some distant future. i haven’t dared to dream of such things. still don’t.

sissy.