maybe someday I will find a way not to despise the finns so much. maybe someday I will learn to love them again? friday night I ended up on what turned out to be a date, unbeknownst to me. it was painful. I was so annoyed about how painful it was and I was to nice to tell him to go fuck off and leave me alone. I feel like it’s hard to meet some finnish people when I feel like I live in such a different world. it makes me sad sometimes. yet, sometimes I meet a few that I am absolutely speechless and giddy with joy.they are rare.

what was he thinking? I am way too wild and free for you.

last night in yoga class I dreamt of the mountains. I prayed to the peaks. I know soon I will see the sun and look down to the valleys. I don’t want to give it up, but I am forced to. I am forced to give up some portion of it. how come no one understands that I cannot breathe here? that I’ll suffocate? how can you ever give up freedom when you’ve had it?

maybe someday I’ll find a way not to hate? it’s easy not to hate when I know I don’t really belong here. and when I know freedom awaits. but if it doesn’t, what would become of me?