last night I hiked the M again in the thunder and the rain, stood there crying my heart out for all the infinite happiness and sadness all at the same time. bleeding my fucking heart out in the pouring rain for something I haven’t felt in a long time. sopping wet in my muddy chacos, I was washing away with the rain and I felt so alive it hurt.

I wish I could freeze up time and keep this moment. I am head over heels and it fucking hurts. I have an empty feeling I never want to fill and this nervous feeling I don’t want to go away. with all this comes a pain, for the first time in ages, I am willing to take. I don’t care. I would spend another night and deal with tomorrow when it comes. it’s an overwhelming feeling of wanting to spend every waking minute and not wanting to let go. I have so completely forgotten what I am capable of. and that I have an overwhelming capacity to love. and I can’t even begin to describe how good it feels to receive the attention and affection from someone you are dying just to touch you in the first place.

last night I fell asleep to him stroking my back. he was doing so to send me to sleep. he makes me nervous to see him, but when I am with him I feel like I am home.

I am in big trouble.