I’ve forgotten that sometimes in life people actually have an effect on you. sometimes others have the ability to make you sad. and scared if you let them into your life and let your self feel something for them. nothing has happened, but I have been reminded. it’s the potential of being hurt that scares me.

this is ridiculous.

apparently I have done a pretty thorough job of shielding myself. now I realize it’s almost.. well.. absurd. it’s surprising that I have been single for so long now that I have forgotten what it feels like to place expectation on someone. to be asking something of someone. I have asked before…  how can I now trust someone? I find it absurd that I am the one asking. a month ago I would have never thought to find myself here.

the things I doubt myself for are merely my ability to let someone in my life. to avoid exactly this. to remember what it feels like to hurt and change my mind because of it and decide, that after all, I’d rather be alone. I haven’t felt hurt in a long time and it has been a blessing. I realize now it has been my safe haven. I see now how much I have actually protected myself and how far I’ve gone with putting up walls around me just to protect myself from ever being hurt again. once again I stand amazed by how much changed by what happened. how much my trust on another has been broken. I don’t really have much faith any more. on anyone. other than myself, for myself. can I believe that there’s someone out there who’s promise I can trust? that someone would be different?

with all this comes a compromise. a price you have to accept. I am just not sure I am willing or ready to accept that price or if I want to. in fact, my instinct is to run away. when it all started happening I was blissfully ignorant to the fact that I could actually get hurt. so caught up in the moment that I didn’t really care since I’d completely forgotten what it felt like. it was all supposed to end anyways. in departures and not in broken promises, right??

I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I resent it. I am scared again, but if I just run away, I don’t have to be. I could keep me safe.