why is it that it seems that when people are in intimate relationships with one another they seem to think that it’s ok to behave badly. that it’s ok to be rude or mean to your loved one. I’m not too far off here, am I? it seems to be a trend, when we are in a relationship, people behave in ways that they would never treat, say, a friend, co-worker, their mother (I’d hope).

I don’t quite understand why we have such a desire to stay and fight if the coupling isn’t a healthy one. why we have such a drive to need someone, that we are willing to put up with being treated shitty or dealing with crazy drama? being in a continuously good relationship takes a serious amount of skill, some mysterious talent, self-control and discipline. and a proper understanding of self and workings of the human mind. yet, there are mounds of people out there who do this. these men, that have committed to love a woman for a long time and have done so, who are they? these men exist?

so, what on earth would make someone love me as their lover and stay? to always be there? to really be there when things get hard? to be there when I get back from Finland? I am perplexed by those who are capable of years of marriage. that is the sort of thing that seems like a fairy tale, but happens to go on all around me. all the time. people do that sort of thing. get married. stay married. it’s one of the most fascinating mysteries of our time. to me it is.

I probably sound like I am not human right now.

an old wise man I know tells me: “you can’t get all your atta-boys from one place”. I couldn’t agree with him more.

I would wager to guess that I will never marry.

I know who I am to myself. I know who I am to my friends. but I don’t at all understand who I am to love. how have people loved me in the past? it seems, many times I have been to them the air they breathe. looking on it now, it seems like such an odd thing to do. to surrender yourself to the judgment of someone you’ve just barely met. falling in love is kind of a crazy thing to do. it’s like a socially accepted form of insanity.

how do you hold back without diluting your passion? how do you ever allow yourself to fall in love again? as sweet as it is, it’s downright terrifying. and frankly, at the moment, incredibly undesired. perhaps because how scared of it I am. and my learned pattern assures me no one is ever here to stay. I don’t want to know anymore what it feels like to hurt so god damn bad.

with the way it is today, I am happy. with the way I am today, I am content. I see my life through rose colored lenses. full of wonder and bright colors. though forever confused about my place in the world.

I have started guiding on the gallatin now. here we are again. wet everyday. even a bad day on the river is still always a good day on the river. I love it. I’ve missed the boat yard. it’s good to be back.

makes me want to take the back roads.