it makes me scared beyond belief, it makes me expect things, it makes me moody and it makes me walk around with this constant stirring in my stomach. my god. I am in love.

so, we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. when we barely knew each other. we talked it over last night and we both agreed that we are going about this in a very unusual manner. we agreed, made commitments and promises and then started to get to know each other. what makes all of this horrifying is that it seems we are both head over heels for each other and are both equally scared since we don’t really know each other. and therefore, don’t really trust each other either.

I have never experience something like this. I am falling for him hard and can’t stop it or take it back. I don’t know how to, I have lost all will power to fight it, and I am torn between wanting to run away cause it scares me, hurts me and makes me shake and tremble like a leaf. my heart feels heavy and my palms sweat. I give out heavy sighs because at times it’s almost hard to breathe.

I forgot what it feels like to fall in love. since things past, I am not sure what the protocol for being in love is. I would like to tell him that I love him. NOT in the way of all encompassing and complete unconditional love, but in the way I love many people in my life. the way I want him to love me at this point too, just for how awesome he is, and how awesome I am and how great we are together. I would like to tell him this, but how can you tell someone this and not have them take it the wrong way? it’s ok for me to tell my friends I love them and I do so from time to time, even some that I just recently met, just because I think they are great and I love them. and that’s how I would like to love James.

I am in such deep shit it’s not funny. I try to relax, breethe, let it happen and try. not. to. freak. out. but it just seems kinda hard.

I feel like I have known him or years, when he holds me I melt and tingle all over. he makes me laugh and smile and forget about all my worries. when we are together I feel like I am a puzzle piece, fitted to his body perfectly. even in the dark I can see him smiling when he reaches over to kiss me. when he holds me I swear I can feel the love pouring from him onto me. my chest feels heavy and I feel like it’s hard to inhale. all I seem to have been doing as of late, is exhaling. it’s intoxicating. like I have been drugged. how is it even possible to feel this way about someone. I feel like he makes me loose my shit and I am slowly coming undone.

so yes, I am freaking out. I feel like I am falling out of control and I can’t stop it. I am losing my grip. I am loosing my composure and I am turning into a crazy person. I am loosing my ability to dictate my life and it scares the fuck out of me. this is the miserable and agonizing feeling of falling in love. it sucks. it just maybe one of the worst things to have happened to me in a long time.

what. to feel something? that just made me chuckle: it horrifies me to feel something for someone. because I am worried that I will get hurt. you know, I don’t think that getting hurt is necessarily the worst thing. I have just been so severely traumatized by what happened last time that what is happening now, in my eyes, is terrible and probably one of the worst thing ever.

did I want this?