james told me this morning that he thought that if he asked me to marry him, that I might actually say yes. was a little shocked to hear him say that. what would I say if he asked? I guess I hadn’t wondered.

I let the truck go. finally. I knew she was about on her last legs and miraculously in it’s current state ran like a champ and I knew right now would be my window to sell it. quick. I still wish I could’ve kept her and just ran her to the ground. but since money nor space are luxuries I possess, the outcome was inevitable. I had a lot of memories with that truck and letting it go turned out to be easier than I thought and frankly, I was excited when I walked away from it with a wad of cash in my pocket. yes, I was ready to let it go. finally!

then what ensued was a frenzy of wheeling and dealing, being lied to and scammed. running around like crazy, making offers, test driving cars, running reports on them and having them inspected. buying a car is a lot of work. and what’s crazy about it is that all the cars I drove and checked out, we’re getting other offers while I was trying to shop for one. and when I turned an offer down, that car was already sold in a matter of hours. nuts!

but I found one that I think was the best of the litter. and I hope that she won’t give me too much trouble, despite her high mileage. I was pretty excited about selling my truck and buying the 4runner, but still when I finally made it home and got to relax for a minute, I lost it. I was at the end of my rope, hungry with a raging headache, it suddenly all spilled over. more than anything, what was so upsetting, was the process of having to protect myself from being scammed and lied to. it made me feel weak and alone. and scared if I was making the right decision on my car purchase.

that’s when James showed up and got to endure me lose it and be a crazy person. it doesn’t happen very often and to his credit, while dealing with all his own problems he at least allowed me to have lost my marbles and endured my craziness. I have infinite love for a man who’ll endure this from me and will actually stand by me while I am going through a hard time. especially when his own life is suddenly falling apart. it’s really nice to find this support from someone when I feel like I have been there for a lot of people in my life. it’s nice to receive in return the kind of faith and loyalty I have given to many, but only received from a few. and bless the hearts of those who have been there for me when I really needed someone!

sometimes I wonder how it would be with the two of us on the long run. I have also wondered what kind of a household we would build. something tells me it would be a family of infinite love to all things around. they say pisceans together are capable of unconditional and undying love. and something tells me this might be very true.