my my. life is amazing. I returned to the treasure state yesterday after an awesome couple weeks on the road, sleeping in the dirt and being eaten by mosquitoes.

as predicted, I was sooo sad to leave James behind again, but as always, the closer I got to montana, the better I felt. I can’t wait for winter. James will be back, things will turn white and quiet. everything will be right in my world again. I miss him. with brittnea going through a break up it’s had me talking more about James and how easy our relationship really is. listening to brittnea also makes me see how well we communicate. we can say touchy things to one another, and though we might get upset about it for the time being, I love that everything feels open. I don’t lie to him, I don’t need to hold things from him. I can be completely open to him. I have no secrets, I also don’t feel like I need to report to him either.

there are things I’ve learned in my many years of dating. I think I take them, the experiences, for granted, but I feel like I spent some long hours talking with brittnea about losing herself in the relationship and ultimately taking that self-disappointment out on her partner and forgetting to actually tell him that he matters. forgetting to love herself and thus losing the ability to love others abundantly, with compassion and with out reserve. we’ve all been there. this has been my biggest down fall in any relationship and I have to work on constantly. I have to make myself to get out, to leave him for a bit. to roam. because I know what happens if I don’t take care of me. it all starts with me. my ability to love is a sad thing to waste, I want to love the world.

I expect both of us to be attracted to other beings in our life time, and there’s no shame in that. it’s perfectly normal and that is ok. but I also think maturity comes in understanding that even though you will meet people you are attracted to, it does not mean you ever need to pursue it, or act on it. rather, you might appreciate it happening, the feeling and observe it from the comfort of your existing healthy and balanced partnership. the one you also know and understand will never be the same if you cross that line. it’s at that moment you need to understand the true weight and ramifications of your choice. now that I am on the other side, the one that was cheated on, continuously lied to and betrayed, it has shifted my thinking to how could I ever hurt someone so deeply by doing something so stupid, selfish and ultimately meaningless as cheat on my partner. only to break his heart? as long as I love him, I could never hurt him. that fact alone is my strongest beacon.

on another note. kind words don’t cost a thing. I’ve learned to take care of my man. (dunno, ask James, I don’t know if he even realizes what I am doing and why I do what I do). I have learned to make sure that he knows. I understand he needs me to tell him, that I do, in fact, appreciate him. greatly. he’s never asked for this, but I know if I don’t tell him, how would he ever know? I think in many relationships we forget how to treat each other right. in general, as couples, most of us forget that we can’t read minds, and we don’t necessarily just know that our partner loves us, appreciates us or is even grateful that we choose to be their partner. if none of this is verbalized, how do you ever really know? and let’s face it, kind words, no matter who blesses them to us, elevate our hearts. no matter who you are, or what the situation is. then why not litter your partner with a steady supply of encouragements, acknowledgements, compliments and simply —love. if you love someone, tell them how you feel, because one day it might be too late.

and I do sincerely believe that since I tell him often how great I think he is, and often verbalize why I appreciate him, it helps ease his mind and in exchange I get trust, faith and freedom to roam.

it works both ways. all I need to hear from him is why he loves me every so often and I am content. I don’t doubt, I don’t sit around wondering, I get freedom to focus on other things. I get freedom to roam.