so. I was sitting at home. scrubbed the floors, cleaned the garage, melted the freezer, organized my closet. and despite having this off-kilter feeling all day over humanity, it suddenly dawned on me how happy I was to spend an evening by myself at home. I thought how far I have come from being scared to be alone or being still for a moment. and how, now at times, I truly bless these moments. when I leaned over the kitchen sink, washing a pot, I suddenly realized that I was going to have a fun night tonight.

I turned on music, opened a bottle of wine and got on with the project that is making lasagna. by the time I had made it to the white sauce, some sappy song took it’s turn on the ipod, as I listened to it’s corny lyrics of some heartbreak or other, it hit me that I was living now without it. and realized how long I had actually lived with it. it’s insane to think how long it took me to get over my past. and I still think about it. often.

and I still sometimes live in disbelief that I have actually finally recovered. and it’s crazy how much it changed me. I know I say that all the time, but when I look back, I am thankful of how dramatically my life changed. there’s no other place I’d rather be now, and I know that with out it I probably would have never achieved my dreams. would have never even really figured out what those were …and these are it.

tonight I stood in my kitchen and scoffed out loud over the realization that I don’t hurt anymore. and it’s almost odd to live without now. but it’s awesome that I’m finally free and I finally love myself and I love this life.

I HAVE FINALLY MADE IT WHERE I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET TO!