then I leave again. I spent my last night with mom in Helsinki. we got a room at a spa hotel, treated ourselves to some neck massages, foot baths, peeling treatments and all kinds of steam rooms, saunas and mineral pools, amidst glasses of white wine and champagne. and a water slide of course. I loved being with her. I have always loved every minute with her. we work together a lot and I have always enjoyed that tremendously.

I can see the age in her. she looks great for woman of almost sixty who works her ass off. but it breaks my heart, you see, I always thought she would live forever. I worry about her often. I worry she drives her self too much. where will we be without her? how would I manage without her? god I love that woman from the bottom of my heart and not a day goes by when I forget to be amazed by her.

in the whee morning hours, I got up, she sleeping in a bed next to me, snoring away as she does. I took a shower, put my clothes on, combed my hair, closed up my bags and sat at the end of my bed, facing her for a moment before waking her up so say good bye. with every inch of my body I realized I did not want to leave. I felt like I couldn’t. though I did anyway, as I always do.

I love finland. I really do. I have for a long time, but I have finally come to terms with certain aspects of it that used to drive me crazy. they still do, but I tolerate them. somehow knowing that I don’t have to choose between two countries and that me staying there is only temporary makes me at ease. I guess I have always known this, but I am a person who needs constant change. I might never be satisfied with just one place. I need to know nothing is forever, and change is coming. I need to be able to get away on a healthy pace. and return. I have two magical places in my life that I get to keep. I have two amazing homes.

after 28 hours of travel, with a fantastic day wondering around in amsterdam, when I finally returned home, I was glad to be home. I’ve been gone all summer. after a barely slept night I got into my car in the morning to pick up moose and hang out with Rosanna for a bit. I drove to livingston and into the country side and it took my breath away. I realize how beautiful montana is. it was nice to notice it again and really see how amazing it is.

hope it snows soon. hope James comes home soon. I might be a little worried about when he does.. I have to get used to having him around again. I forgot what it’s like, but I know I’ll remember soon enough.