my fickle mind.

being cheated on time after another that changes the way I look at my life. I know this seems slightly crazy to some people, but I really believe in the zodiac. I realize the descriptions of our signs and our traits comes in as varied interpretation as there are people on this planet. but I do honestly believe that they are very accurate character traits that have an underlying pattern. I sincerely believe this, and for the past four years that I have actually paid any attention to them, they have shown to be quite valid.

there are a lot of things I have always known about my self, being a fish, and I’ve always, since child, been an apt pupil of what my sign represents. recently I have been doing some deeper reading about myself and my sign. I feel like I have found something I really didn’t want to be true. as intuitive as I am, when it comes to affairs of the heart I’ve always been blind as a bat. I now understand and see, that my life is, always might be, a string of failed relationships and falling for the wrong man.

so. for a few years I have wanted nothing more than to marry and to have a kid. to start a family. I have been damn near desperate to get on with having a kid, at least to have that plan in place. suddenly I made it over some kind of a hump. maybe I don’t want to have a kid after all? I really want to have the experience of being a mom, but I have a really hard time accepting the fact that I would have to give up my freedom for several years. in fact, seeing that I am 34 now, it’d pretty much mean giving up my freedom for the rest of my adult life. do I seriously think I’d have what it takes to withstand that? me; a person who is utterly spoiled with zero authority figure in my life and a fraction of the responsibility most people have in their lives, even in the simple form of a boss and a job. lately I have kinda taken a harder look at my life and myself and wondered if having a kid really is what I want. is it? if it never happened, would it be that bad after all? could I accept, that it never happened after all even if I lived an amazing fulfilled life? will I feel fulfilled without ever becoming a mom?

I feel like my life has finally gotten really good. pretty much since I turned 30. I finally learned some things about myself, like knowing what I need to be happy. the most important thing. rather than just going through my life, I feel like I can finally engage in coordinated efforts of self-indulgence, rather than it’s mindless form. I really want to enjoy this life that I’ve built now. I want to enjoy life with the me I have built, I am excited about it. I’m not so sure I am willing to give it up so quickly now that I’ve found it.

as a part of a lengthy conversation, Ted said to me one night, that he saw how much I enjoyed my freedom, and that’s what made him figure I’d do anything to make sure I wouldn’t get pregrant. his words, though they were tossed out there just as his passing interpretation of how he saw me kinda stuck with me. they’ve come up in thought a couple times since then and have added to my accumulative assumption of the whole. how valuable is my freedom?  how would I combat the responsibilities of motherhood? could I give up skiing for a couple years? is having a child really worth giving up so much about your life you know today?

I have dared to think differently lately and I have been trying it on for size. it doesn’t keep out mosquitoes, nor stars. but I am intrigued by it and it might fit. this is how I change, this is how change comes to me. I taste it a little. see how it feels. I let it develop. I won’t even write about it for a while until I know what to say. I try it on. I take it off. I go back to the store later and buy it. but you all know by now, I will change my mind many times over through the course of the years. or weeks. where ever the wind blows.

they say that after 35-something the odds of you ever finding a husband diminish significantly. or was it 40? I’m starting to realize it’s true. if not for any other reason than the fact that everyone else is just as jaded as I am at this point.

after yet another relationship, I think I am starting to give up the idea that anyone would ever come along and want me enough to want to marry me. I know marriage is a hyped thing, and it’s not so much the institution I am interested in. it’s merely wanting to, at least once in my life, know what it felt like to have someone love you that much, that they could honestly say to me “I choose you”. that’s really all that marriage represents to me. somehow, the fact that no one has ever asked, kinda makes my heart brittle a little. more than ever, I am resolved to the fact that my relationships will always be in turmoil. I will lose my heart many times over to the wrong men in my life time.

I will never find the right person, I will never meet a man who would want to be the father of my child. I will never meet a man that might, left to his own devices, buy me a ring and ask me to marry him. it’s time I accepted that and stopped looking for it, hoping for it. I didn’t even realize how badly I had been searching for just that.

letting it go, feels like a heavy weight has been lifted.