time moves slowly. it seems like nothing changes, but one day you look back you realize everything has changed. I look on myself now. the person I see in the mirror looking back at me is beautiful. radiant and full of life. a person who no longer carries the weight of world with her. no longer carries that infinite sadness that woke her at night crying and worrying about all the things in life. and what has become.

new era.

I have let go. for the most part. I carry scars, but I don’t carry sadness. I can see that now. it was damn hard and seems like it took a long time. I am scarred for life, and that’s fine. the lines on my face are the story of who I am. nothing will ever be the same, but the change is ok. at times, good even. somethings I think I could have lived without, but I have accepted the things I cannot change.

when I had a long conversation with Eero last weekend, after some reflection I notice a distinct difference between then and now. I no longer need someone in my life. I am not in a hurry to find someone, I don’t have to try to find someone to be with. because I don’t need anyone. despite of who I am, all my downfalls and imperfections, I am good with myself.

I have a friend in me. I always have but now it’s different somehow. I am completely content in being single.

what brings on the biggest change from then to now, is the quest to seek and find has left me. I no longer have the urge to find someone to be with. as I no longer ache to get married an start a family, and this the entire perspective of relationships has changed. I realized recently that because I always sought to build something, I always sought to find someone to do this with, I ended up with people and in relationships merely because I was trying so hard to make it work. I cannot make someone want the things I want. now I don’t, in anyway, expect someone to be interested in the things I want. today I have a lot of appreciation for people’s differences and can adore them. I also have a tremendous amount of respect for the things other people want. should I meet someone who sees the world the way I do, and wants to live the way I do, I would only be delighted. it’s a rare thing to find tho and I don’t think I ever really will, but that’s ok too. perhaps due my my change in perspective my next relationship might be different. but I am in no hurry.