so. I have been thinking. James did his deed and spent the winter begging me to forgive him. it took me a while to understand what my pain was, what part of the deed was I upset by. what I was really angry at and what fueled my sadness? it’s not so much the cheating act alone that I got hung up on, but giving her the arsenal for writing that email, her telling me something he hadn’t. then in turn, what broke the camels back was the phone calls to her over Christmas. again, giving her ammo, making her seem important to him.

really, the problem here is that I can never truly forgive James for the way he thought I could/should be treated.

understanding of myself gets better as I age, but it also gets more complicated. I reiterate how important my time alone is and how badly I need/want my independent life. I enravel in it. it’s what makes me whole and keeps me sane, nothing else ever will. I know now, James was more or less threatened by the aspect of me making new male friends and meeting new people to go skiing with. I didn’t know back then, how much he dragged himself along because he didn’t want some other dude doing it with me. that’s a terrible relationship to live in, for both of us. I always wanted to do big things, he didn’t and didn’t really want me meeting new people to adventure with. let’s face it, he held me back a bit.

I know James is pissed cause he spent his winter trying to win me back. it’s sad he’s not man enough to own up to his choices, face the aftermath and take it like a man. there has been something very juvenile about about these arguments. the stuff about my short comings as a person in our relationship, yeah I get that, you might have something there. all this has made me see what I want in a relationship. it has become clear, that he’s either just much younger than me, or he seriously has a different expectation of relationships. I get that, a lot of people do. there are a lot of things he’s asked me to compromise about who I am recently, not understanding that these are things that I cannot change about myself. he calls it compromise, I would call suicide. he fails to see how the complaints he has about me as a person in our relationship are largely who I am. in my core. most people don’t want someone this independent, who wants to spend time alone and travel. James doesn’t regard a relationship a relationship if we spend 6 months a year apart, it’s not enough for him. what kind of a relationship is that? I call it a good one.

and that’s kinda why I’ve had tremendous respect for Ted. he told me the other night he wishes him and I would end up together, but he also says he has tremendous amount of respect for me and he does not want/try to posses me. it’s such a stark difference to being in a relationship with someone whom I feel like I am the air they breathe. Ted’s never asked me to promise anything, he’s never asked about anything else. and I like that. but at the same time, I know he’s way into me, he’s honest about that. it’s an unusual balance that I am not sure if it’s just Ted and who he is (might be a huge part of it considering where he comes from), or if a large part of it is also in dating an older man. one that has given up such foolish expectations of a another person. whom can respect me the way I am and where I am. not trying to keep me and put me in a bottle, which is what I feel like every person I have ever had a serious relationship with has done, or tried to do. I don’t necessarily blame them for it, I’ve allowed it as I have not understood my perimeters, and theirs. I don’t want all encompassing co-habitation. I don’t want an obsession.

all this brings us back to my conversations with James. there’s a significant rift between our understanding of the circumstance and our communication. recently he told me “can’t you just get over it so we can move on?” what he does not understand is that when he had his affair, it’s not the part about having sex with someone else that broke us up, it was the absolute absence of integrity. he acted like he’d had his affair out of some lack of self control, he just couldn’t help it because he was having such a hard time. he’d decided during this time that I did not love him because I was out living my own life.

and that’s how I lost respect for him. it’s not about forgiveness. there’s nothing to forgive here. I simply lost faith, you can’t change that. it’s not even about losing trust, per se, because I know I can trust his heart, I know his heart and strangely enough, I know it’s true and he’s always been an open book when it comes to that. but what I can’t trust, is that he can be man enough to deal with his emotions by himself, not turning to the nearest pussy when he is having a weak moment. if you’re going to do it, than do it with intention, plan it, do it, use condoms, and be fucking honest with me about it. don’t come home as coward who can’t quite own up to what you’ve done, and as a result put my life in immediate danger.

I never realized there was more to people than knowing their heart. no matter what the heart feels and the mind says, apparently we can be driven to all kinds of things. it’s kinda the same as all of us being a little crazy really, we each just funnel it differently.

more about dating older men. I think I like it. I don’t want to be anyone’s mother. I fucking hate it. hate it with a passion, but I am often put in that position. I am a natural leader and find myself in that role frequently, but I don’t want to be a leader in my relationship. I want my man to order my drink at the restaurant without asking me what I want. it’s kind of a turn on. I want a man who will point me to the line I am about to ski, a man that will take me there. I don’t want to always be the trip leader in my relationship, I would love for someone else to take charge.

I know that I am an intimidating person to date for most men my age. I think some men are kinda scared of me, really. I know that the pool of men I could possibly ever date, is incredibly small. I mean, they have to be a better skier than me to start, than there’s the whole thing where I don’t want to be so dominant, but I easily am, so.. there we have it. that’s why I think dating older men is kinda nice, cause they are so freaking stoked about you, have their shit together and have tremendous amounts of respect for you. they also aren’t as big of sluts and seem humbler than the cocky boys of my own age group. ha.