life comes at you fast. and I felt like I needed to say yes again.

and so I find myself suddenly busier than I have been in a couple years. but doing something entirely different. I am running the gallatin river in the back of a paddle boat, three times a day, memorizing every damn rock on the river. memorizing my line. because at 600 cfs, there’s only one. smelling like neoprene, even if I don’t wear any. loading boats, unloading boats, checking life vests, handing out dry tops, collecting paddles…

how I got roped into this, I am not entirely sure. I feel compelled to do it, none the less, I want to guide. I was never really sure if I wanted to or not, but I feel like I am trainable. I can figure this out. mountains of self doubt. even though at the end of the day I feel exhausted and not entirely sure why I am giving up my freedom to do this, I still feel elevated. somehow a little wonderful.

I may have reached another side of my stupid depression. I have a ways to go, and I hope going to hang out in gloomy rain in finland for the fall won’t tear me down. it’s a valid concern. even though I still don’t regard myself as anyone someone would want to hold onto, I need to work on that. I think I may have had enough about caring wither or not that’s the case and focus on my own happiness instead.

life is alright.