I am in a strange place. I don’t want to move out of my home. I am extremely reluctant to do so. James and I are getting along for the time being, since he realized what he’d lost. I come and go between being angry with him for forcing me to make this choice. I am disappointed in him and again with my choices that brought me here. I don’t at all know at this point where my love for him lies. do I love him still after everything he’s done? can I still love someone who has treated me with such disrespect? and should I allow myself to love someone who does this?

what I do know for a fact, is that I will never forgive myself if I stick around and don’t take the time to figure out how I feel about all this. and I need to do that completely alone. removed from him.

here’s something else I have learned about myself. when I love, I love completely. I love with all my heart, I am your biggest fan, and you’ll probably feel like you can take over the world when I love you so. you are my hero. but the love of a fish is a slippery thing. I can also choose not to love. I choose. I have been wondering lately what it is about me, why I am such a sucker for relationships. why do I want it so badly? why have I had so many in my life?

I had an epiphany the other day. I think I have realized that the reason why I have always gotten cheated on in my long-term relationships when I’ve left for couple months. probably has a lot to do with the fact that since I am such a sucker for love, and have such a capacity to love, that the sort of people I end up with are people who are out there making themselves available and looking for someone to hang on to, just as desperately as I want a husband and a family. in essence, I realize these are people who have a hard time being alone. and that’s exactly the reason why they have always cheated on me when I’ve left them on their own for a couple months. I realize that I need to be with someone who is completely content in being alone, doing this for themselves and coming up with adventures on their own, while still being able to enjoy sharing their lives in a relationship.

let’s face it, I’m an awesome girlfriend. I have a life of my own, and I love to travel on my own. I am rad to adventure with, to ski with. I coordinate and plan all kinds of trips and adventures. I make shit happen and I am a solid partner out in the woods or in the mountains. I don’t usually bitch or nag about much. I don’t believe in nagging, doesn’t get anyone anywhere. which, if I find the need to nag, then I shouldn’t be in the relationship anyway. I am independent, and I want my partner to be independent. I mean, what the fuck, three and a half months seriously isn’t that fucking long of a time to keep your fucking dick in your pants and to fucking suck it up and deal with it. what the fuck?

shit.

in the mean time, I am happy about life, excited about my friends, loving the place I live and loving these mountains. I mean, my life is so incredible it’s hard to believe it’s true sometimes. but with the other shit going on in my life, it’s hard to be completely stoked about it all right now. this why I am in a strange place. I am incredibly sad about having to walk away from James, it makes me depressed that yet another…. I hate leaving him, he’s been my best friend and while I hate his touch, some days it makes me cringe, I miss it terribly. I miss liking it. I miss being happy with him, I would give just about anything to have that back. have my happy little perfect life back.

and then there’s the ski patrolling thing. it’s one of the flat out coolest and more fulfilling things I have done in a long time. I love the crew at moonlight and every stunning morning sunrise, or every fucking blizzard takes my breath away. I belong here.