life works in strange ways. while I am in the midst of separation from James, I feel like I have more friends in bozeman and elsewhere than I ever have before in my life. I find myself suddenly with a vast support network which I never really quite took the time to realize it was there. life always moves in cycles, but I honestly finally feel like I have a bunch of friends to ski with in bozeman, awesome friends. fucking rad friends.

and Kenny, my heart always goes out to you. you are my truest, dearest friend, sometimes I wouldn’t know what to do without you. I love you with all my heart.

it should be so strange that I feel like 2013 will be one of my best years since my thirtieth. my Saturn return. can I have a second one? I’ll pretend it is. it’s weird all of it coincides with drama in my relationship. the two really have nothing to do with one another, but the situation makes me reach out more than staying home, being content in my relationship. I mean I have loved it through and through, it was an awesome thing while it lasted. but we all know, I am such a sucker for change, I am not afraid of it and I welcome it with open arms.

yeah it sucks what happened, I spent two months crying about it, one being angry about it, and now I am done with it. I’m sad it turned out this way, having to walk away from someone I always thought was like family, someone I always more or less felt like I was always meant to be with. I’ll miss him like crazy. I already do.

but something has changed in me. unlike in my previous break up being so utterly lost over who I am and what I truly want, this time around I know exactly what I want. I find this strength in me that is almost overwhelming. I am amazed by it, the strength in my center. it’s like I am carrying myself and seeing myself through even thought I never realized I had that in me, I didn’t realize I could just turn to me for help and direction. I have always known it’s there, I always have been strong. but somehow, I am not sure if it’s because I am older now, or because I took the time to hurt and be single back then to figure out what I needed in my life and who I was. life got better when I did. significantly better. I have always had great love and appreciation for myself, but during those years I found something more profound and let it build, that no one can take me down. not for long at least. I have always known that the only person who could and should love me the most was myself. so I have always tried to make sure that was the case. I have lost sight of that many times in my life, but I always return to it. I know how to pick myself up. because it’s always coming down to this. someday, I would like to be proven wrong, but this is what I am working with. again and always it seems.

most importantly, during that time I figured out who I was and now again I find that strength I found in myself then, and the one I was playing with this summer. like something deep inside stood up to roar. hey, I like this. it’s a high.