for a better part of my life I have spent apologizing for who I am. somehow when I didn’t meet someone’s expectations of me as a person I apologized for letting them down. wtf.

I made a promise to myself. I promise to never again let someone touch me wrong and never to stand for verbal abuse. I promise to walk away from anyone who does so. I promise to never again make excuses for someone who behaves this way towards me.

I will never lie to myself again about who someone truly is and who I see them for. I will never again compromise my own well-being and safety for someone else or hide behind my own denial. I promise to understand that anger towards me is a result of someone’s expectations and no-one ever deserves verbal or physical abuse. …and I am not the piece-of-shit they made me out to be. I know who I am.

you’d think that all that would be a given, right? did I seriously need to live to be this old until I finally realize my self worth? is there any truth to the crazy idea that because I have always been strong I have come across people in my life who try to break me? or that maybe they think they can hurt me because I have such a tough shell that I should be able to take it? with my head down in shame, I admit it; I allowed it. that’s my excuse, what’s theirs?

towards the end, he tried to break me. I know he did. I saw it in him. why? he was jealous and angry about who I was and what I could do in my life. I think he was angry because he saw that I had a choice, he didn’t. he could never choose life for himself and he lived through it, for the most part, as it happened to him. that he saw that I could, in fact, change my life when ever I decided, made him incredibly spiteful. what did he expect? I don’t get it. I have spend a long time thinking about his motivations or his thoughts in the process. I have realized I will NEVER understand. I will never have any kind of closure, explanation to the things he did. some time ago, that made it incredibly hard to move on. so why do we always need a reason? an explanation? I would say now, that amazing power and growth comes from accepting the fact that closure will never come. that you simply have to let things be how they are. and. just. walk. away.

sometimes walking away is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. and understanding the fact that you will never have the last word. be okay with it. live with it and let it leave you.