I came back. it’s like I am in mourning. it takes me days, weeks, if not a month to be back to normal. to feel comfortable again and to be ok with my life as I know it here. it’s like someone died and I am trying to hold on to their memory. desperately hanging on to the morsels that I was able to bring back with me. desperately never wanting to let go, but it happens no matter how much I fight. I live too much in the moment where ever I go, I can’t hang on.

then surely, as always, they fade into memory and fade into some distant double life I lead. in some other life. some other time. some days it seems like a dream, that distant home of mine. and so I have regrets. fighting the fall into depression. and the blame. I am blaming myself for leaving finland, and I am blaming myself for not being able to leave here. I blame myself for staying away from finland, and I blame myself for being gone too long from here, I blame myself for leaving, I blame myself for coming back. I blame myself for not living my life the way I want to.

*sigh*

I want to be free. I want to leave. I want to travel. I want to move to Missoula for a few months. I want so many more things, all the time, but I am starting to feel like I can’t make choices for myself because I am in a relationship. I can’t stop myself and stay in one place. it’s hard and it’s making me depressed. I am want to get in my car and drive. I want to leave. I want to drive. I want to be free.

I don’t know how to stop. part of me thinks that stopping is settling. like suddenly I would look around me and go “is that all there was?”

I want to keep moving forward. I can’t stay in bozeman. I have an itch. I scream for something, for someone. I am falling. I see myself slipping. I have been slipping for a while, but I can’t talk about it anymore, I have to run.