I was reading a blog about something similar to my experience in a long past relationship of unpredictable rage and disrespect. this quote caught my eye as it much describes how I regard relationships today:

“I realize now that when it comes to relationships, ultimate love and fidelity to one’s Self—by both parties—would be a much better foundation. Love doesn’t mean you put someone else before you or sacrifice who you are for them, it means you support each other to grow into the ultimate best versions of yourselves, with respect to individual pace and method. When that doesn’t include each other anymore, may we lovingly go separate ways.”

someday I wish to find someone who can understand my life and my choice and respect them as I wish to respect and support theirs. support me in my choices without quilt or jealousy. I hope to find someone who has their own path and chooses to follow that path regardless of my life’s choices and does so with confidence. relatioships might require daily fine-tuning, but compromise in a relationship doesn’t mean to compromise your path, passions and your life.

in these few weeks, months, I have been looking at my life differently. perhaps, after all, I will never have a child. perhaps, after all, I might end up living alone like so many other great women I know. I am making attempts to accept where I am now and embrace my life as it is.

honestly, the world seems like a cruel place to bring a child into. and really, I think I wish to embrace this amazing world on my own, share it with my friends and family, rather than to give it all up for the sake of some wonderful little person that I would be worried sick for.

I find great comfort and warmth being a family member in the family I already have, rather than hoping to create one of my own. I want to be a better person to those who exists in my life and disregard those who come and go. I no longer look to the future with an idea that I hope meet someone who would become interested in me. I’m sure I will find love in my life again, but I don’t trust my judgement anymore and I am incredibly leery to trust anyone. I simply don’t think I have what it takes for another broken heart. on the inside, I am incredibly frail. it’s a bit sad compared to how strong I have always been. maybe I will be strong again, someday. what I really mean, is that I don’t have what it takes for another person in my life to make me feel like I am not worth loving, fighting for or keeping. I am not strong enough today to endure that again.

it breaks my heart to know I am this fragile. it’s a tough thing to beat. therefore, at this point in my life I choose privacy, quiet life and choose to remain alone. and choose to love the family I have.

and so life is beautiful.