I’ve been trying to formulate my thoughts. I need to have a conversation with a friend that I don’t want to have. I want him to stop making passes at me. I am also afraid of having this conversation because his friendship matters a lot to me. it’s all my own doing tho, should have never slept with the guy.

went for a 9 mile through hike in the bridger foothills. I didn’t even really notice it blew by, I guess I needed to think. after getting stalked on instagram by James’ old/new girlfriend (whom seems really desperate to place her claim. poor girl, can’t imagine what that’s like), the thought that struck me the most is that I have loved a lot in my life, perhaps that much loving does not happen to everyone. it’s surprising to see that neither of them moved on and that she is willing to take him back after he left her for me. everyone chooses for themselves what they are willing to do for love.

I have been passionately loved by quite a few people in my life.  I am happy for others who can find love, I know how wonderful and amazing it can be. and I honestly feel like I have had more than my fair share. I am blessed to have experienced such an overwhelming amount of love. I sure know how to love when I choose to love. now I am choosing not to. and surprisingly, I am totally happy without it and content being where I am.

I am slightly startled at noticing how little I want any kind of a relationship. quite frankly, I am tired of them. I don’t want to waste my time obsessing about someone and being all bent up when it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to get into some damn love bubble with someone. I don’t want to be controlled. I want to keep being free. I found the expectation to be intimate incredibly annoying, slightly insulting. I felt like I was being pressured. I hate the demands. and that made me resent him and the situation. I like hanging out, but I quickly realized I don’t want anyone to think I’m his girlfriend. I don’t want people to enlist me with him. and I don’t want him to enlist me with him. stop trying to date me.

I am actually kinda annoyed. really.