it’s funny how life moves in cycles. people leave your life, others come. some stay for good. in the mean time, while I was horribly anxious for having James return, I suddenly find myself perfectly content and happy with him. for a few I was almost resentful to the fact that he was coming back to interfere with my life.

there is still a certain amount of sacrifice and compromise I know I am not willing to give. and I feel bad about the way it is reflected upon James, but at the same time, I am sorry, but I have to keep what I fought so hard to get. I have to keep me. I have to be allowed to be me, to keep me, to do things when I want and how I want. it’s selfish, I know. and I absolutely refuse, without a doubt, even for a split second, to ever again made to feel utterly rotten over what I choose. this is MY life! I am done with letting others blame me, letting someone make me feel guilty about who I am, or what I choose. I despise being made to feel bad through someone else’s eyes. I resent it to the core. I know that this obviously does not lend itself to a balanced relationship. and by all means, I don’t want the upper hand in a relationship either. not at all.

but I realize that in order for me to even let myself enjoy a relationship and allow to be loved by him, I also have to continue to do my selfish thing. to take the time to love myself and to love my life, without it, I am not one to be loved. I can only hope that James and I have the strength to work this out between us, so that we can find the happy medium to comfortably live in so that we are both happy.

as silly as it sounds, I still need to ‘take things slow’ ..yes, I still find myself resenting the idea of a relationship. on some days. other days I couldn’t be happier that he loves me and chooses to be by my side. it’s an amazing feeling to be loved by someone the way he loves me. I need to learn a new set of rules for a relationship. we both need to learn these simply to maintain a happy relationship. I do not want to do this at the expense of his happiness, but hope that we may find common ground, the kind that still allows me to feel free. and allows him to feel free.

so. the winter has arrived and I feel like myself again. I don’t feel like the lost puppy that I have been in the past couple of months, just waiting. last week I skied 3 times and went to bikram yoga 4 times and I feel like I got my ass kicked. and I feel terrific! I was skinning with Cass up at beehive on Saturday. it was over-cast, windy, kinda f’n cold, but gorgeous none-the-less. while I was skinning behind Cassie, I realized how much I truly appreciate her friendship. I haven’t spent a ton of time talking to her, pretty much ever, but as usual, it seems that the best friends are made in the quiet of the mountains, each diligently working to towards our line. and I spent some time thinking about the friends in my life. I have some very good ones I have made through out the years.

I have to let something out. it seems thou that I am going through an entire re-inventory of my friends. mcfrye is gone, reno with it. and I have realized that I have no interest in being lindsey’s friend. while I am kinda hurt by the fact that she doesn’t want to be my friend either, I know that we are actually not compatible as friends. at all. all she seems to care about is partying and flaunting this image of her self of being a mountain girl and a bad ass in the snow. but in reality, I have discovered it to be mostly talk and the people she surrounds herself with aren’t people I really care to know either. she hangs in a crowd of college kids and every other day is a rager. party friends. no thanks.

I know you can tell I am a little bitter about all this, but I have to get this out of my chest. I feel kinda bad about it. but at the same time, I know this is inevitable. but what kinda nags me about it, is the sad realization that as soon as you try to be a true friend to her, and call her out on the bs she has been doing, she jumps ship and signs you off as a friend.

the reason why all this is coming out now, is because I actually ran into her a few times this weekend. talked to her for about a second or two at a time while she was sooooo busy running off with her entourage. the sad part about it is, that I know that a part of it is a show for me, so she can seem like she is super popular and has so many friends she doesn’t need me. how quickly all that changes. this summer, she seemed to constantly trying to get me to come out, and often I seemed to be one she relied on to be her partner in crime. which, actually, always just involved being boy crazy and partying. trying to desperately make those memories that turn into inside jokes and flying slogans amongst friends. even then, I kinda thought it was silly and I am just not that interested in it anymore. the desperation to seem cool and to live a rock and roll life style. I am different these days, I’m just older. and I feel like even in the days when I was ‘cool’ I never had to try so hard.

in fact, I don’t even care that much about having a million party friends. I just want a few really good ones. and the ones that spend time in the mountains. I knew, even this summer, that all I really was for Lindsey was a party friend. someone who would be available to accompany her to the bar and parties, so she didn’t need to show up alone. but that’s what party friends are like, you never really actually do anything with them, other than go to parties and meet em for beers. and in my years, I have learned that those friends rarely become true friends to you. and just as quickly, they evaporate.

the truest friends can be made skinning in the mountains, having pot lucks and spending an evening knitting together. being there for them when they need you. knowing they would be the one to call if your car broke down. and while I feel like I have a few true friends in this town, I have also known that majority of the time, the friends you make in the first year of living in a new town, those ones usually turn out to not become the friends you end up having on the long run.

on saturday I also hung out with Chris and company and I would have to say that I had a great time. I really like hanging out with him and appreciate him being my friend also. slow but steady, people come out of the woodwork and become your friends. it takes time to meet the right ones.

I start my fridays in bed. I don’t get up in a hurry. this is my ‘free’ day. I can do what ever I want. I can stay in bed all day if I want. I can work a bit maybe. I might wake and bake and watch an episode of dexter before I get up and start my day.

I am allowing myself to be lazy today. I have skinned and skied and done bikram yoga this week and my body feels tired. I am relaxing to be ready to venture into the beehive basin with Cass tomorrow.

everything feels good and everything feels right. my body feels good. my discontent evaporates as soon as the ground is white. and as soon as my body is tired from the work. as soon as I am falling into the rhythm of the skin I feel content.

it’s about the small things. I stood on the ridge again yesterday, first time since the spring and I exhaled to be there again. I had missed the ridge. missed hiking along it, missed staring down into the bozeman flats, missed looking out at the crazies and the absorakee range. missed hiking along it to my next line. the season has begun and all my wonders and debates as to why the hell I moved all the way out here are out the window again. now I remember.

november is my yoga month. time to get a month unlimited membership to a yoga club of choice, so I finally decided to give Bikram yoga a chance.

while my first session made me incredibly dizzy and for the last half hour of class, it took all I had just to be laying down and try not to throw up. or not to run out of the room. when I got home I felt shaky, nauseous, dizzy and weak. it took the rest of the evening to nurse the bare minimum of liquids in me to keep the dehydrated headache at bay and not to feel like I was recovering from a hang over.

at the same time I was overwhelmed with the amount of energy in my body. I was overwhelmed by what boundaries I had just pushed with my own body and how I felt… well.. clean. and this was just one time. I was amazed by the amount of liquids pouring out of my body, even just by sitting still in the room. mind struggle over trying to breathe, trying not to run out the door, trying not to throw up. I know a thing or two about the experience of pushing your own body beyond what you thought was actually possible, beyond what you imagined you were capable of. I am incredibly intriqued by the effects of Bikram yoga after just one session. I am curious to see if the heat will ever be something I can get used to, or I will make it through this month and then kinda give it a rest.

I am itching to go tonight again, just to see if I can do better.

I hiked to storm castle yesterday. sat on the edge of the abyss and watched the system roll in. I knew it was coming. I had been watching the clouds for a few days now. I watched it rise from the valleys. collect and build. it looked like it was going to be big, and I knew, when I would awake tomorrow, seasons would have changed. (and my poor muddy mountain bike might have to wait a whole season until I can wash the damn thing. ugh. that’s just bad etiquette.)

and just like that, it’s finally here. there’s a certain unrest in the town. I sense a buzzing of sorts. everyone is stocking up on skiing gear, asking each other which pass they got this year. it’s snow culture out here.

I have been spending a lot of time lately staring at a map. I understood yesterday that my initial unrest over bears and other critters in the woods have dissipated the longer I’ve lived here. I still carry my pepper spray, but I am not senselessly worried about it. I know they’re out there, but I’ve never been approached by one. other than being an idiot and going out at dusk by myself in mountain lion territory, I don’t worry too often. but I must say, I kinda wish I would have spent more time hiking and backpacking this summer. which seems silly as I generally now detest just hiking for the sake of hiking, but what I miss about it, is the adventure and exploring. the idea of discovering something new.

I realize that my intermittent boredom stems from the fact that everything I do now is a day activity, or one that would only take an afternoon and then I’ll be back in town. while it’s awesome I can do that, I wish I would have spent more time in the dirt this summer. this is not to discount the summer I had, I had an amazing time! but there’s so much terrain here I wish i would have taken the time to explore before the winter set in again.

but oh, well. snow has arrived and I am stooooooked!!!

hmph. I have been annoyed I guess. or just a little discontent. unhappy to an extent. I don’t know if I am allowed to be bothered by it. I am going on six months of this operation best described as reintroducing a shared life into the picture. and there are days when I absolutely hate it. I find it annoying that the other person won’t just do what I want, won’t just be there when I want. yeah. I hate him a little for it. I hate the fact that he makes me feel sad. I hate him for the fact that I feel like he doesn’t care.

I want to be spiteful. I want to say ‘well, fine. I don’t care anyways, so fuck off.’ or that in fact, I am going to fuck off and go about my business. I hate him for that he doesn’t call. probably, if it wasn’t for the fact that James was in my life, I would probably be moping around yearning just to have a companion in my life. so I don’t know if there’s actually any real difference.

I have been miserable for days and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

is there?

I don’t know much else that gets me out of bed early, no matter how I feel that day. nothing else that would make me drive for miles early hours in the morning, if the report calls for several inches. when I arrive to the base of the hill, I know this is where I belong. this is where I am confident, this is what makes me content and happy. when I put my skins on, I fall into a rhythm that fits me better than any other activity. and nothing else matters.

snow defines me. makes me and grows me. snow challenges me, makes me smile and makes me anxious. I love a sight of a snow capped peak more than anything else in this life. I have been at snow since I was born, I wouldn’t know a life without it and I dearly hope I won’t have to in my life time.

James and I had been planning to go to the Bechler hot springs the whole summer, but it seemed we never got a good window when James would have had his two days off, so finally a weekend in October we decided we should go for it.

the weather forecast called for 70% chance of mixed rain and snow for sunday and the trail description detailed two river fords and a slough. ranger reports the slough being mid thigh. much the way that James and I both go about the things we do, it seemed like it just sorta happened. neither backed down from the plans. we are both more than capable, but still when we found ourselves at the trail head on saturday, packed an loaded, looking at each other ‘well, here we are’… we arrived with the knowledge that this was going to be wet, cold and unpleasant, but neither said as much as a word to back out of it. probably in the fear that if it was mentioned, we, once again, would be like two fish swimming in circles around each other, watching time go by. especially since the forecast had now changed from 70% chance to a 100% of 3-5 inches of snow.

we hiked in, forded rivers, crossed several on logs, it was a misty day. we took compass readings and verified our path for the way back in case we woke up to snow or had to hike back in a blizzard across the vast meadows. found some hot springs and laid in them for a while as it got dark, drank whiskey tea and I loved being there with him! all the while I thanked him for making me do this. he seemed baffled by me thanking him and said it was the other way around. it seemed like neither really planned for this, but neither really backed out either, so it just more or less happened, that we found ourselves there.

in the morning we woke up to freezing rain, in a pool of water and everything was wet and frigid cold. we packed up with numb fingers, bundled up and set out for the looming river crossings. after the last river crossing, I clambered to the other shore and with shaky numb fingers and chattering teeth pulled my back off, dried out what I could and got my pants and boots back on. nothing like a fucking hypothermia to set in. after that one I just couldn’t really get warm again, the cold set into my bones and creeped in to my torso. oh well. only a few miles out.

we got to the car, stripped naked, enter through the back and left wetness to the rear, turned up the heat and appreciated the warm woolly clothes we had brought along to change into when we got back, since we knew we’d be miserable. made a hot brew and drove to Norris hot springs and shook off the rest of the chill from our bones.

the whole weekend really reminded me of the pacific northwest. minus the hot springs.

I am in a holding pattern. the fall is making me wait for something. making me wait for snow. in the mean time I feel like I don’t do much. sitting around, knitting, eating chocolate, reading books. taking weekend road trips by myself.

just driving. driving to see new towns. stopping to sniff waterfalls and read about pioneers. taking detours on dirt roads. what’s at the end of this one? drinking beers at some local pub on the way. dropping into a valley behind a mountain range. getting a ride on a harley in the crisp and sunny fall air. partying in my car in abandoned campground. in a blizzard. everyone has left. the resort towns are waiting for the next season. roads are closed, I chase for a map to show me the way around the mountains. where do I go now? watching clouds roll in, staring at peaks, picking my line. can I hike to that one?

life is beautiful.

a month went by since the last time I saw James. in the mean time I knitted him socks. they don’t match, they are a random collection of colors. even knitted some pink in them. I think he was baffled by them, kinda liked them, but was just confused by the fact that I knitted them. or that I made him socks. the whole thing, I don’t think he knew which part to be baffled by.

then he asked me if I would teach him how to knit. that’s the last thing I expected him to ask me.

it takes two days to be sure. two days to remind me. I am still happy he is with me. still when I look at him, I feel relentless joy that he loves me. i haven’t met anyone in a long time that was such a combination of painful honesty about who they are and with that honesty comes a trust and faith in knowing that he will always treat me right. he spends so much time in making sure that I am happy that I think he sometimes forgets to make himself happy.

I love finding him here. love finding him in my bed. love knowing he’s close. in this town, somewhere near. I have a friend, someone I can talk into getting in a boat or doing a bike ride. or both.